What to do if you see a UFO

The first thing to do is to toss whatever it is you’re smoking, drop and roll or duck and cover, whichever is more appropriate.

The second thing, is to take out your cell phone and get lots of pictures. Nobody’s going to believe you without pictures and don’t settle for the blurry stuff that is so common with alien photos.

The third important thing to remember is, don’t be a hero, but keep in mind that the future of mankind is in your hands. (No pressure!)

If you can safely commandeer a spaceship or snatch some highly advanced technology, go for it. Be on the lookout particularly for long life batteries, ultra conductive electrical materials and ultra heat resistant materials. If you can find an anti-gravity machine, a warp drive engine or ray gun grab them too. If you can get any DNA samples, they will be very helpful as well. Remember you’ll need bodily fluids, hair, skin cells, or fecal material. (Oh come on, now is not the time to be squeamish.) If you can abduct a whole spaceman, dead or alive, that would be even better.

While you’re going through this ordeal remember to take good notes for your upcoming book.
If you find that you yourself have been abducted, remain calm, try to keep your head!
If at all possible, engage the aliens in normal conversation, assuring them that you are no threat! Tell them that you will willingly submit to any biological examination as long as it doesn’t involve pain (if it feels good, even better).

Let them know, right off the bat, that they will not have to use torture to get information out of you! If they want to take you to their home planet, and you don’t want to go, ask them if they would consider an alternate choice. That may buy you some time to consider which space shot among your friends and family you could get away with sending instead of yourself. But don’t worry, in every case we have heard of, the aliens have eventually turned their captives loose.

After all this, once you find yourself released, or if you were not abducted after all, you’ll want to get the hell out of there!

If you were able to procure evidence to prove the existence of UFOs take that evidence directly to your local newspaper and/or TV station. If you were unable to acquire any evidence at all, go directly to your nearest licensed physician or psychologist, as you will undoubtedly have a lot to work out with them.