UFO Contact are we Ready

I am.

I notice we’re not being asked to differentiate between UFO contact and alien contact, so as long as ALF stays up in the ship, I say bring em on.

No, but seriously, while ruminating on potential impetus for the Visitors to grace our fair planet with their presence, not a real whole lotta dialectic answers emerge. I mean, humans (gasp!) have been rumored to live on Earth after all. One would imagine that that single, solitary factor alone would be a rather prohibitive element. But, if They’re gonna come, They’re gonna come and I’ve narrowed the most likely reasons UFOs might dock on Earth to the following:

I. An opportunity to participate in the epic.
Let’s face it, Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest on Coney Island is an event that impels participation, no matter what galaxy you hail from.

II. All Endor citizens, legal aliens, and Tatooine expatriates living on a Z-visa can enjoy low interest rates on Molokai time-shares if they lease now. First 100 horned-bipeds to sign up also receive a free sunset dinner cruise aboard the luxurious two-star Kaunakakai Kruiser.

III. Broadway’s Big Fat Musical Comedy Hit “Hairspray” is showing in Shanghai for ten days in July. The traffic’s pretty bad near the Tibet Road/People’s Avenue intersection, but a star-cruiser car pool lane is slated to be completed by early June.

IV. While DNA tests results remain pending, detectives from Interpol’s galactic equivalent want to have a talk with the Boston Celtics’ Sam Cassell, just to “ask him a few questions.” Seems that Something vaguely resembling the itinerant shooting guard absconded with some green light sabers. Boba Fett’s progenitors are busy chaperoning Jabba’s Spring Social, or else they’d take the case.

V. Shatner must get his. Captain Kirk can run, but he can’t hide.

VI. Eliot Spitzer’s exit leaves a vacancy at the Emperor’s Club. Kang & Krodos may not have the $80,000 the Empire State’s former governor spent burnishing his reputation as the “Sheriff of Wall Street,” but word is he left a few thousand on his tab unclaimed.

VII. Elvis escaped. Again.

As Man stares out into the great Expanse and endeavors to wrap His mind around the metaphysics of light years, eons, and the sheer breadth of the cosmos, He somehow grows in stature.

“I am the Apogee of Evolution and Creation,” he trumpets to a universe uninhabited save for His grandiose self.

In millions of years or in 6,000 (depending on how you prefer to have been created) I have perfected Saran Wrap, have 1.3 percent of my species capable of solving a Rubik’s Cube, have persuaded the masses to see the wisdom in paying $292 dollars for a 24-minute inter-island flight from Honolulu to Kahului, and have given life and legend to such Titans as the aforementioned Mr. Spitzer. Therefore and thusly Do I, Man, see no apparent nor potential challenger to my preeminence in this or in any galaxy.

Nah, we’re not ready.