57 Varieties of Aliens

“57 Alien Species or 57 Varieties?”

“There is nothing wrong with your monitor screen-do not attempt to adjust the picture. We will control the appearance and content of your computer from now until…”until, uh-Who knows? The “Outer Limits” TV show from 60s TV began with a commanding voice, telling me I was no longer in control of my horizontal hold, brightness, or contrast. I had ceded my TV will to people hiding inside my parent’s black-and-white Emerson 15″ portable waiting there for me with a malevolence you could feel. Even the Emerson logo, in it’s comforting injection-molded sameness, could not soothe me. A 7 year-old control freak does not “cede” anything to anyone without just compense, so-they lucked out by providing a great show, different each week in content, but not in good old spine-tingling action. This show, and others like it, illustrate an historical perspective on the issue of whether or not there are at least 57 varieties of aliens by showing at least 57 versions of aliens in their programming. The Art Directors and Costume Designers obviously had some model to work from, so I view this as a serious security breach that goes unrecognized to this day. Imagine sensitive material like this getting out today-people would yawn and just go about their business. Why? One word: softenization. Here in our modern world, where you can get just about anything (and I DO mean anything) delivered to your door in 24 hrs. or less, we get a collective sense of the “Power of Getting”, or better put: “The Power of Getting the Power of Getting”. This leads to what leading University studies have labeled “softenization”-a softening of the “body consumptive” through excess contact with Amazon.com. We have become bloated and turgid as a people, and we are sure to pay a heavy price once word gets out. As this process evolves, or “Genesises” we can clearly see the connection between the 57 species outlined in Stone’s “ratting out” of Uncle Sam, and the emergence of the H.J. Heinz Co. of Pittsburgh, PA. as a force in modern interplanetary exploration. This begins, of course, with an admission on our part, a “mea culpa admonishus” if you will, of the deep and abiding love we all share for some of Heinz’s better products. Having said that, we must also insist on full accountability, and this is where we part company with some of the members of the Board of Directors we attempted to contact earlier today. We were told Theresa Heinz Kerry was “not in”, and we objected. The connections don’t end there either, my friend. It’s also been disclosed that some of the ketchup packets found on Skylab were Heinz, while others were not. Alas, with the demise of Skylab, we’ll never know for sure. Let’s review: Heinz ketchup packets in space, aliens in space, both come up with the same trademark number for a logo…I smell a rat here, and it’s not Sergeant Stone. He’s only pointing out the obvious. I am a bit unnerved however, realizing that the letters in “Sergeant Clifford Stone” can be re-arranged to form the phrase “Giant Frost Nerd Feels Co”-we both know this is one of 57 alien code phrases for softenization.