How to tell if somebody is Lying

Lies. Deception. Deceit. Sheer tomfoolery. These things are not only the basis of every vaguely interesting political thriller, but staples in our deliciously amoral society. You’ve all hear the old adage “Nice guys finish last” (unless they’re really hot), well it’s never been truer than today. The only way you can survive in this dog-eat-dog world is to fish back, armed with an arsenal of lie-radar, deception countermeasures, and deceit-piercing bullets. And if you’re one of the many caught off guard and unarmed by these “liarists” (you like that? That’s “liar” and “terrorist” put together) then consider me your black-market arms dealer of success.

The first step to a safe and liarist free existence is to identify the enemy. Liars aren’t of any specific nationality (save for Ugandans) or religion (although, bit of advice, never trust a Quaker). They can be anyone, anywhere, at any time. They could be your co-workers, your paperboy, your neighbors, or even members of your own family. You could be sitting next to one right now (the guy on your left). The only way you can be completely safe is to TRUST NO ONE, not even me.

With that understood, the next step is to identify a lie. Since we’ve already agreed that everyone is a potential liar, we need to assume right off the bat that every lying word that comes out of their lying liar’s lie-holes is, in fact, a lie. Guilty until proven innocent, that’s the real American way. With everything a person says to you, you need to immediately consider what they stand to gain. Take time and think “if I believe what this person is saying, what do they get out of it?” If you can’t think of anything, you’re not looking hard enough. Remember, if just one lie goes undetected, then the liarists win.

Now, you’re face to face with the liar, he’s showered you with lie-missiles, you’ve detected them on your lie-radar, and have taken appropriate cover. There’s only one thing to do now: retaliate. You need to call him on his lie, and you can do this any way you’d like. You can be subtle about it, and respond with a sarcastic “Oh yes, I BELIEVE that”, you can be a but more blunt and say “Pssh, THAT’s not a lie”, or you can go all out, shove your accusatory finger in their face, yell “LIAR! YOUR PANTS ARE FLAMING AS WE SPEAK!” and run off giggling into the night.

Hopefully this article has helped you arm yourself with the elite lie-fighting techniques you’ll need to win the war against the liarists. Remember, if you trust no one, refuse to give out any information about anything, and accuse everyone of being a liar, you just might live through the night.