How Humans are Descended from Sponges

We enter life through an evolving door
I was perusing some old magazines the other day when I came across an article by a molecular biologist named Mitch Sogin who using DNA sequencing discovered that we, mankind, are all descendants of the sponge. There goes my theory that we came from trees… trees. I began to ponder Mr. Sogin’s theory and after great research am ready to offer a rationalization of how this could be true.

First I needed some history and background. So I Googled “Sponge.” “An elastic porous mass of interlacing horny fibers that forms the internal skeleton of various marine animals and is able when wetted to absorb water.” It continued; “Most sponges are hermaphroditic (having both sexes in one) but produce only one type of gamete per spawn.” When sponges reproduce they change sexual roles from time to time which means sometimes they’re the mommy and sometimes they’re the daddy.” (add some beer and a pickup truck and you’ve got a country and western hit)

The article continued; “There are free standing sponges and others that cover the surface of a rock like moss does on land.” Free standers can grow to gigantic proportions some large enough to cover Donald Trump’s ego. That’s huge. Then there are tube sponges which come in every color in the rainbow. I’m guessing that’s where the Crayola people came from. In the beginning there were sponges and water just like Yuppies and Starbucks or Bubbas and beer today. After a million years with nothing happening a few of the cool, hip, sponges met and formed an Ad Hoc committee. Marketing studies to get the evolution started lasted several hundred years. Everything was progressing smoothly until a group of extreme right wing radical sponges in the “Bath” party decided that change was bad. The status quo would remain.

It took another millennium of fighting the Sponge Bath radicals before the sponge populous became totally free. A few more centuries would pass before fish and mammals began showing up and then just a silly millennium later a couple of type “A” sea bass walked out of the ocean and built a doublewide. Today Sponge Bob rules. It took a while but kids love Sponge Bob. I think we’re finally headed in the right direction. It all makes sense now doesn’t it?